My advice to all the single ladies out there. Probably shouldn’t read this if you’re a dude because i generalise a bit…

This is exceptionally long today so if you don’t want to read this right now because you don’t have time, no worries! Just bookmark it and read it later. It’s all good bro…

Or you could read it now since you have already checked your facebook and clicked this link, only people with nothing to do click their wall links. Am I right? I am totally right. So maybe go get a drink and sit back and relax.

Okay straight to the point, single? Trawling the club to find a fella? This is just a simple list of
how to’s and maybe nots.

Nobody likes a slut!

Just because you can kiss whoever you want doesn’t mean you should

These are a few things you should keep in mind but there is also a list of guys I think one should avoid or cease seeing.

There are certain people that are off limits and let’s start with the most obvious one and work our way down:

Mr Currently In A Relationship
No! Look away! Stand down! Abort!
I don’t care if he was that guy you never thought would like you, or if he shares with you intimate facts about how his relationship isn’t really working out and he is just so confused about where his heart lies. NO! Do you understand this is the worst kind of scum bag?
And what do you hope to gain from this one off chance to hook up with this guy? Do you think he is going to leave his current girlfriend for you? Even if he does, your potential relationship would be built on a lie so good luck trying to get rid of the seed of doubt that your first secret hook up planted in your brain! Yeah it might only be a one time thing but please think of the poor girl who is wondering where her boyfriend is, this girl has feelings too you know. Please don’t try to justify it to yourself by pretending the girlfriend is a bitch.
Oh and if you say you’re the type of girl that is only attracted to ‘guys you can’t have’ that just makes you a slut. Plus a reputation like that will spread quicker than a bush fire in the middle of January and no one will want anything do with a slutty bitch who has no respect for herself or other people.

Mr Ex Boyfriend from Highschool
Why waste your time going back to something when there are so many wonderful things to look forward to? Would you reverse down a street? Would you eat something you’ve just thrown up? No! Then why would you go back to something from your past? Obviously there was a reason it didn’t work out before. On the other hand, you two might be perfect for each other now that a few years have passed. In reality he is probably the same guy that you knew in high school which might be a little sad considering high school was a super long time ago and if he hasn’t emotionally grown up then that’s a worry.

Mr Best Friend
Trust me when I tell you that no good can come from this! Happily ever after results are so uncommon that I understand why so many people don’t even take the risk. It will go one of two ways. You will get strong feelings for him and he’ll be like “oh I thought we were just hooking up for the fun of it?” then you’ll laugh and go “yeah you’re totally right lets not make this anything too serious” and you will put those feelings away until someone else comes along who actually wants them. Then a few weeks later he will get strong feelings for you but you’ll say “um I thought we were keeping things simple?” then he will be devastated and you will look like a heartless bitch. Then things get awkward and you can’t go back but you will never get your timing right. You two will fight all the time because of the sexual tension and the embarrassment of being rejected and eventually it will just blow up in both your faces and you won’t be friends again because he is a douche bag. And sometimes there will be a When Harry Met Sally situation, but trust me, it’s bloody rare. Also, Harry & Sally didn’t get together for years! And Harry got married in that time that they were never together. Sally was his second choice.

Mr Most Recent Ex
When I hear about girls who have been dumped then they just go right ahead and continue sleeping with that guy who just dumped them I want to shake them! Foolish girls! When a guy does this I want to smack him in the face with a phone book. I can’t believe how selfish guys can be and how they would string along a girl like that. Oh and I know that girls are capable of doing this to a guy but it’s not something I’ve witnessed yet. I’ve seen what it does to people, it drives them crazy. I think it is one of the cruelest things a person can do. So please, in order to avoid a good phone book beating, let sleeping dogs lie.

Mr My Bestie’s Ex
Do you even have a moral compass? I don’t care if Brenda cheated on Dylan with whathisface, it is unethical to go bro over hoe in any situation. (P.s I didn’t actually get through B.H 90210 so my references are probably not that accurate but you know what I mean) Just because you’re bestie totally hates her ex and wants nothing to do with him it doesn’t mean he is available on your meat market menu. Also, if she hates him so much he can’t be much of a prize eh?

Mr Emotionally Unavailable
What do you hope to gain from this unholy union of ‘friends with benefits’?
I don’t say these things to be cruel, I say these things to save you. If a guy tells you straight up that he doesn’t want anything more from you then that should act as a warning signal and a bell to signify the end of recess. I’m assuming if you’re reading this you’ve found it on my facebook page which means you are my facebook friend which must in turn means you are good looking and smart. Good looking girls do not need to be a booty call for some guy who can’t be f’ed being in a relationship. Smart girls should spend their time being smart and let the right guy come to them. This guy has no respect for you and it might feel nice to have someone to text but please note that when he is texting you, he is hoping for one thing out of that and it’s not ‘get to know you’ conversation. I know at times it may seem like you two are really connecting and I don’t doubt that the whole thing is a lie but please don’t be his ‘play thing’.

Mr Friend of Ex
I don’t think this is completely forbidden. I think this just has a timeline on it. I don’t mean months though. I mean a few years. Plus it is inappropriate for this “friend” to be making moves on you in the first place. *please see My Bestie’s Ex. Just put yourself in your ex’s shoes and imagine how you would feel if he hooked up with one of your buddies. I’ll let you go throw up as your processing that. As girls, we love attention and male attention is even better but get a hold of yourself and understand what you are doing to your ex. (If your ex cheated on you with ‘big tits Bridgette then I think it’s okay for a one off hook up with said best friend. but that’s it!) This guy clearly has no loyalty, so in the long run he probably won’t be devoted to you either.

Mr Room mate
I think the success rate is slightly higher than Mr Best Friend but at the same time, do you really want to hook up with a guy when you’ve seen/smelt the results of his bathroom adventures? To me, this is more about convenience and a convenient hook up is just like hungry jacks; tastes good at the time but leaves you full of regret.

Mr Who
If you go home with someone and as you’re sitting in the taxi and you cannot for the life of you remember who is sitting next to you then I suggest you slip your shoes off, get out of the taxi while it’s stopped at the lights and run your ass home to sober up. Do you really want to be in that situation that is unavoidable in the morning when he wakes up before you and you’re like “heeeeey Johnnnnaaaaaateeeiimm?” Run drunkymcgee run.

Mr By The Way I’m Kind Of Into Crack…
Don’t look back as you go to your local doctor to check for STD’s. Also, feel free to delete his number and pretend you don’t know him when suchandsuch is all “weren’t you hooking up with him for a while?” just smile and shake your head like someone has just asked you if your shoe doubles as a telephone.

Mr Completely Not My Type But I’ll Go For It Anyway Since Variety Is The Spice of Life
I understand that you feel like you’ve been dating the same type of guy you and feel like you need to shake it up a little, get out of your comfort zones but there is a point where you should ask yourself “do I really enjoy watching golf or am I doing this to impress Mr CNMTBIGFIASVITSOL?”
I definitely think that going for someone a little different than you’re used to is in the cards but if you find yourself in situations where you’re not really enjoying yourself or you feel a bit uncomfortable then it’s safe to say your compatibility is not really matching up. This is a learning curve and you should be grateful you met and dated him because now you know what you want and what you don’t want. And golf should never be on the list of things you want. (unless it’s mini golf)

Mr Too Good Looking To Be True
This isn’t so much ‘stay clear of this guy’ but if you’re dating a guy and time after time you think “I can’t believe someone like HIM likes silly old me!” then you should either get out of it or wise up to the situation. Yes he is super good looking and if he is choosing to spend his time with you then he obviously sees something in you worth sticking around for. So don’t tell yourself that it’s too good to be true because you are subconsciously lowering your own self esteem by saying that. If you continue to lower your self esteem you will begin to think you’re not good enough for anyone not just him and if the day comes when your negatively about yourself has actually made you undesirable then that depression spirals out of control. You will congratulate yourself on getting it right ‘yep he WAS too good looking for me, I had better lower my standards and sleep with every guy I see at the pub to make me feel better about myself!’
Trust me, that is exactly what will happen and you’ll probably end up with a husband who beats you and 5 asshole kids that grow pot in the yard and call you by your first name instead of ‘mum’.

Mr Dances Better Than You And Gets Really Excited When Beyonce Comes On
The writing is on the rainbow coloured wall.

Mr Meanie
You thought this guy would disappear when you got to high school right? Nope. They are out there, waiting to tell you that you suck so you flirt with him all night trying to prove that you don’t suck thus playing right into his stupid hands. Egotistical maniac! I don’t know where these guys come from but it’s usually a sneak attack. You think they are pretty cool and then they causally bring up how they think you’re cute but could never be sexy…and we all know how this story ends. I can’t explain why some guys are like this, maybe they don’t have enough confidence in themselves to just be straight up with a girl but whatever the case THEY ARE THE ONES WHO SUCK!

These are all very common situations and if I’ve written something that seems suspiciously accurate to your current situation then I’m sorry (except for those two guys I wrote about and if there are certain bees buzzing while reading this thinking “bitch I KNOW you’re referring to me and I will cut you!” I ask you to take a deep breath in and maybe re-evaluate your current predicament)
I wrote this blog hoping to help people see the light. I’m also not admitting that I have dated every type of guy from this list but I know people who have and let me tell you, it’s not pretty.

I am also not implying that you should be searching for ‘the one’ but I strongly argue that girls waste their time and energy on scumbags. You don’t have to date Mr Perfect straight away but don’t date someone who makes you feel less than what you are. You owe it to yourself to be treated with respect. I don’t mean to sound like a fun killer but hooking up with anything that moves is not MY idea of a good time, don’t pretend you feel better afterwards! Especially if you’re hooking up with Mr Emotionally Unavailable. I know a lot of girls find this guy and think that they can change his mind eventually and that one day he’ll notice what has been right in front of him all along. Sadly, this is rarely the case. Just stop texting him back and move on.

I don’t think girls are conceited when they have huge standards. I whole heartily congratulate them on knowing who they are and what they want and if they want someone with the body of Channing Tatum and the face of Ryan Reynolds, well then more power to them I say!

I haven’t been single for a year, this fills me with smug pride which I won’t apologise for because I deserve to be smug about my awesome boyfriend. In saying this, the horrors of my single life still haunt me! Maybe I’m being a little over dramatic but looking back on some of the guys I went out with or just hooked up with a few times, make me cringe and turn red! I’m glad I dated a Mr Too Good Looking To Be True and a Mr Emotionally Unavailable because I can honestly say that when I finally deleted Mr Emotionally Unavailable and stopped texting him I avoided the rejection that he would have eventually thrown my way, thus saving myself the heartbreak! Ah to be 18 again…

Anyways, a few years ago Kendal kept telling me ‘Lisa no one will love you until you love yourself’ of course all I heard was ‘Lisa no one will love you’. This is now my mantra and I’m sorry that most of this blog has been fluffy and love thy self blah blah but looking at  some of the guys my friends have dated or are considering dating I just thought I owed it to myself and others to write down some experiences to share to hopefully save people from themselves!

[No one will love you until you love yourself ]

Peace out hippo homies


January 23, 2012. Uncategorized. 2 comments.