The Do’s, Don’t’s, Why’s, How’s and What The F***’s of friendship

 1. You must learn to deal with my mood swings, I will never adapt and I am sorry that I’m crazy sometimes but that’s just who I am! I don’t hate you for having big boobs or for being the funniest person alive so you shouldn’t hate me for suddenly becoming grumpy. It’s usually because I’m hungry or tired or both! I don’t have a choice. But mostly if you try to ‘catch me in a good mood’ the AM is not time to do this, wait until I’ve had a coffee, or better yet come at me with some coffee and I will be more inclined to like you.

2. I will always drive you to the airport or pick you up no matter what time it is. In my experience, people flying around usually means that you’ve just been visiting family and I know how sad it is to come home afterwards, so I think it’s best to see a friendly face instead of dealing with a mute taxi driver who doesn’t like you from the moment you sit down even though his chosen profession is to drive people around at all hours of the day or night. Just sayin.  

3. If you want me to cook for you it will almost always be spaghetti or cabonara and if you want to go halfsies in drinks with me it will almost always be vodka. If experience is what you’re lacking then it’s probably best to pour your own drinks. I don’t think you should complain because my spaghetti is really good (as is everyone’s) and you get to half a bottle of vodka for $23 bucks.

4. I do not expect you to pick up the phone at 3.00am but I expect you to call or message as soon as you’re awake to find out why I called you at 3.00am. Reasons are usually:
a) I was drunk and needed a lift home
b) I was drunk and needed someone to tell me where I am in order to call the right taxi service
c) I can’t sleep and you need to tell me why
d) Someone has kidnapped me and I need you to tell my parents and/or Elisha

5. If I’m wearing a pretty dress & heels for a night out then as a bestie it’s your job to tell me if I look okay or not. If I’m wearing jeans and a tshirt for a hard afternoon of sitting on the lounge or at the beach then it’s not really necessary to tell me if I look stupid. As much as I value others opinions on my health, love life, diet, hair, make up and basically every aspect of my life, I will always be the first person to buy the ugly cardis, the plain shoes, the shirts that don’t fit, the fingerless gloves, the bug eyed sunnies, ugly brown beanies, simple repulsive jumpers and the leg warmers. I like looking this way.

6. I won’t always like your choice in dudes. To me, my friends are the sun and the moon, the brightest lights in my life so excuse me for thinking that no man will ever be good enough for you. Now I’m not suggesting that I will hate every guy that comes into a sistas life (or girl if you’re one of my few guy friends) but life experience has taught me that not everyone who sticks their tongue in your mouth is a gem.

7. I may seem cold hearted and a little secluded which can also come off as selfish but rest assured that I would serenade you to prove that there ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough, ain’t no river wide enough to keep me from you. So if you need me, call me, no matter where you are, no matter how far just call my name (on the telephone, I still don’t have superhero hearing) and I’ll be there for you like I’ve been there before, I’ll be there for you mostly because I know you’re there for me too 😉

8. I know that when I snore it’s loud and annoying but please don’t punish me for it, no one is the perfect bed mate and I have a hard enough time trying to be a better person while I’m awake, please don’t chastise me for things I do when I’m asleep.

9. If you’re sad or lonely then just call me! Please please call me. I might not be able to rush to your side but I will do everything within my power to make you feel better. Don’t worry if it’s midnight and you’re sad because of something you think is stupid. If it’s making you feel sad then it’s not stupid.

10. Do not feel obligated to ask me to be your maid of honor at any of your weddings, I know that I am not the most goal orientated person and I will probably be the friend gets super drunk at your reception and tries to join in with the band despite my horrendous “vocals”. Please don’t exclude me for everything though.

11. I will always believe my advice is superior to all others because that’s just how arrogant I am, but I am aware of this so don’t feel obliged to follow through with everything I tell you.

12. We may not speak to each other every day or be inseparable but if you want to hang out, out of the blue I promise I won’t make you feel awkward by being like “umm yeah I guess?” or even texting ‘umm’ to you! Because I know that “UMM” is a sound, not a word so when people text or email “umm do you really think that?” or “umm why?” then I know they are trying to make me feel stupid. But yes after that little tirade my point remains, i’m always up for hanging out unless I’m in the middle of watching a TV series like Buffy or Veronica Mars or the OC, don’t take offense, sometimes I live vicariously through tv show characters because I need the drama that I don’t actually have to resolve.

13. I won’t tell your kids how you were drunk basically the whole time we were 17.

14. If I have any money I will lend it to you

15. I will house sit for you when you go away and look after your dogs. Unless you have a beagle, you go and put that shit in a kennel okay? I know I have Callyn’s support on this issue. Maybe don’t ask me to look after your cat either…I’m sorry to say I just don’t care enough. Not that I would let them starve but I probably wouldn’t empty out their shit basket every few hours.

16. If you go to Paris, bring me back something. I don’t care if you end up working fly in fly out Paris, I WANT PARISIAN THINGS!

17. I don’t mind picking you up while you’re drunk, it doesn’t matter if I’m living in Perth and you’re stuck in Rockingham I will always come to get you, actually I would try to keep you from going to Rockingham in the first place but if you slip through my fingers then yes I will pick you up.

18. If I haven’t spoken to you in a year because of a fight and I still don’t like you when you call me at 2.00 in the morning but you really need to be picked up or need someone to talk to, I’ll get over it and come get you.

19. Don’t second guess my Gilmore Girls knowledge. You will lose.

20. If you don’t want to listen to me sing, then don’t play Paramore when we’re drinking. The result is inevitable

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December 7, 2011. Uncategorized.

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