My advice to all the single ladies out there. Probably shouldn’t read this if you’re a dude because i generalise a bit…

This is exceptionally long today so if you don’t want to read this right now because you don’t have time, no worries! Just bookmark it and read it later. It’s all good bro…

Or you could read it now since you have already checked your facebook and clicked this link, only people with nothing to do click their wall links. Am I right? I am totally right. So maybe go get a drink and sit back and relax.

Okay straight to the point, single? Trawling the club to find a fella? This is just a simple list of
how to’s and maybe nots.

Nobody likes a slut!

Just because you can kiss whoever you want doesn’t mean you should

These are a few things you should keep in mind but there is also a list of guys I think one should avoid or cease seeing.

There are certain people that are off limits and let’s start with the most obvious one and work our way down:

Mr Currently In A Relationship
No! Look away! Stand down! Abort!
I don’t care if he was that guy you never thought would like you, or if he shares with you intimate facts about how his relationship isn’t really working out and he is just so confused about where his heart lies. NO! Do you understand this is the worst kind of scum bag?
And what do you hope to gain from this one off chance to hook up with this guy? Do you think he is going to leave his current girlfriend for you? Even if he does, your potential relationship would be built on a lie so good luck trying to get rid of the seed of doubt that your first secret hook up planted in your brain! Yeah it might only be a one time thing but please think of the poor girl who is wondering where her boyfriend is, this girl has feelings too you know. Please don’t try to justify it to yourself by pretending the girlfriend is a bitch.
Oh and if you say you’re the type of girl that is only attracted to ‘guys you can’t have’ that just makes you a slut. Plus a reputation like that will spread quicker than a bush fire in the middle of January and no one will want anything do with a slutty bitch who has no respect for herself or other people.

Mr Ex Boyfriend from Highschool
Why waste your time going back to something when there are so many wonderful things to look forward to? Would you reverse down a street? Would you eat something you’ve just thrown up? No! Then why would you go back to something from your past? Obviously there was a reason it didn’t work out before. On the other hand, you two might be perfect for each other now that a few years have passed. In reality he is probably the same guy that you knew in high school which might be a little sad considering high school was a super long time ago and if he hasn’t emotionally grown up then that’s a worry.

Mr Best Friend
Trust me when I tell you that no good can come from this! Happily ever after results are so uncommon that I understand why so many people don’t even take the risk. It will go one of two ways. You will get strong feelings for him and he’ll be like “oh I thought we were just hooking up for the fun of it?” then you’ll laugh and go “yeah you’re totally right lets not make this anything too serious” and you will put those feelings away until someone else comes along who actually wants them. Then a few weeks later he will get strong feelings for you but you’ll say “um I thought we were keeping things simple?” then he will be devastated and you will look like a heartless bitch. Then things get awkward and you can’t go back but you will never get your timing right. You two will fight all the time because of the sexual tension and the embarrassment of being rejected and eventually it will just blow up in both your faces and you won’t be friends again because he is a douche bag. And sometimes there will be a When Harry Met Sally situation, but trust me, it’s bloody rare. Also, Harry & Sally didn’t get together for years! And Harry got married in that time that they were never together. Sally was his second choice.

Mr Most Recent Ex
When I hear about girls who have been dumped then they just go right ahead and continue sleeping with that guy who just dumped them I want to shake them! Foolish girls! When a guy does this I want to smack him in the face with a phone book. I can’t believe how selfish guys can be and how they would string along a girl like that. Oh and I know that girls are capable of doing this to a guy but it’s not something I’ve witnessed yet. I’ve seen what it does to people, it drives them crazy. I think it is one of the cruelest things a person can do. So please, in order to avoid a good phone book beating, let sleeping dogs lie.

Mr My Bestie’s Ex
Do you even have a moral compass? I don’t care if Brenda cheated on Dylan with whathisface, it is unethical to go bro over hoe in any situation. (P.s I didn’t actually get through B.H 90210 so my references are probably not that accurate but you know what I mean) Just because you’re bestie totally hates her ex and wants nothing to do with him it doesn’t mean he is available on your meat market menu. Also, if she hates him so much he can’t be much of a prize eh?

Mr Emotionally Unavailable
What do you hope to gain from this unholy union of ‘friends with benefits’?
I don’t say these things to be cruel, I say these things to save you. If a guy tells you straight up that he doesn’t want anything more from you then that should act as a warning signal and a bell to signify the end of recess. I’m assuming if you’re reading this you’ve found it on my facebook page which means you are my facebook friend which must in turn means you are good looking and smart. Good looking girls do not need to be a booty call for some guy who can’t be f’ed being in a relationship. Smart girls should spend their time being smart and let the right guy come to them. This guy has no respect for you and it might feel nice to have someone to text but please note that when he is texting you, he is hoping for one thing out of that and it’s not ‘get to know you’ conversation. I know at times it may seem like you two are really connecting and I don’t doubt that the whole thing is a lie but please don’t be his ‘play thing’.

Mr Friend of Ex
I don’t think this is completely forbidden. I think this just has a timeline on it. I don’t mean months though. I mean a few years. Plus it is inappropriate for this “friend” to be making moves on you in the first place. *please see My Bestie’s Ex. Just put yourself in your ex’s shoes and imagine how you would feel if he hooked up with one of your buddies. I’ll let you go throw up as your processing that. As girls, we love attention and male attention is even better but get a hold of yourself and understand what you are doing to your ex. (If your ex cheated on you with ‘big tits Bridgette then I think it’s okay for a one off hook up with said best friend. but that’s it!) This guy clearly has no loyalty, so in the long run he probably won’t be devoted to you either.

Mr Room mate
I think the success rate is slightly higher than Mr Best Friend but at the same time, do you really want to hook up with a guy when you’ve seen/smelt the results of his bathroom adventures? To me, this is more about convenience and a convenient hook up is just like hungry jacks; tastes good at the time but leaves you full of regret.

Mr Who
If you go home with someone and as you’re sitting in the taxi and you cannot for the life of you remember who is sitting next to you then I suggest you slip your shoes off, get out of the taxi while it’s stopped at the lights and run your ass home to sober up. Do you really want to be in that situation that is unavoidable in the morning when he wakes up before you and you’re like “heeeeey Johnnnnaaaaaateeeiimm?” Run drunkymcgee run.

Mr By The Way I’m Kind Of Into Crack…
Don’t look back as you go to your local doctor to check for STD’s. Also, feel free to delete his number and pretend you don’t know him when suchandsuch is all “weren’t you hooking up with him for a while?” just smile and shake your head like someone has just asked you if your shoe doubles as a telephone.

Mr Completely Not My Type But I’ll Go For It Anyway Since Variety Is The Spice of Life
I understand that you feel like you’ve been dating the same type of guy you and feel like you need to shake it up a little, get out of your comfort zones but there is a point where you should ask yourself “do I really enjoy watching golf or am I doing this to impress Mr CNMTBIGFIASVITSOL?”
I definitely think that going for someone a little different than you’re used to is in the cards but if you find yourself in situations where you’re not really enjoying yourself or you feel a bit uncomfortable then it’s safe to say your compatibility is not really matching up. This is a learning curve and you should be grateful you met and dated him because now you know what you want and what you don’t want. And golf should never be on the list of things you want. (unless it’s mini golf)

Mr Too Good Looking To Be True
This isn’t so much ‘stay clear of this guy’ but if you’re dating a guy and time after time you think “I can’t believe someone like HIM likes silly old me!” then you should either get out of it or wise up to the situation. Yes he is super good looking and if he is choosing to spend his time with you then he obviously sees something in you worth sticking around for. So don’t tell yourself that it’s too good to be true because you are subconsciously lowering your own self esteem by saying that. If you continue to lower your self esteem you will begin to think you’re not good enough for anyone not just him and if the day comes when your negatively about yourself has actually made you undesirable then that depression spirals out of control. You will congratulate yourself on getting it right ‘yep he WAS too good looking for me, I had better lower my standards and sleep with every guy I see at the pub to make me feel better about myself!’
Trust me, that is exactly what will happen and you’ll probably end up with a husband who beats you and 5 asshole kids that grow pot in the yard and call you by your first name instead of ‘mum’.

Mr Dances Better Than You And Gets Really Excited When Beyonce Comes On
The writing is on the rainbow coloured wall.

Mr Meanie
You thought this guy would disappear when you got to high school right? Nope. They are out there, waiting to tell you that you suck so you flirt with him all night trying to prove that you don’t suck thus playing right into his stupid hands. Egotistical maniac! I don’t know where these guys come from but it’s usually a sneak attack. You think they are pretty cool and then they causally bring up how they think you’re cute but could never be sexy…and we all know how this story ends. I can’t explain why some guys are like this, maybe they don’t have enough confidence in themselves to just be straight up with a girl but whatever the case THEY ARE THE ONES WHO SUCK!

These are all very common situations and if I’ve written something that seems suspiciously accurate to your current situation then I’m sorry (except for those two guys I wrote about and if there are certain bees buzzing while reading this thinking “bitch I KNOW you’re referring to me and I will cut you!” I ask you to take a deep breath in and maybe re-evaluate your current predicament)
I wrote this blog hoping to help people see the light. I’m also not admitting that I have dated every type of guy from this list but I know people who have and let me tell you, it’s not pretty.

I am also not implying that you should be searching for ‘the one’ but I strongly argue that girls waste their time and energy on scumbags. You don’t have to date Mr Perfect straight away but don’t date someone who makes you feel less than what you are. You owe it to yourself to be treated with respect. I don’t mean to sound like a fun killer but hooking up with anything that moves is not MY idea of a good time, don’t pretend you feel better afterwards! Especially if you’re hooking up with Mr Emotionally Unavailable. I know a lot of girls find this guy and think that they can change his mind eventually and that one day he’ll notice what has been right in front of him all along. Sadly, this is rarely the case. Just stop texting him back and move on.

I don’t think girls are conceited when they have huge standards. I whole heartily congratulate them on knowing who they are and what they want and if they want someone with the body of Channing Tatum and the face of Ryan Reynolds, well then more power to them I say!

I haven’t been single for a year, this fills me with smug pride which I won’t apologise for because I deserve to be smug about my awesome boyfriend. In saying this, the horrors of my single life still haunt me! Maybe I’m being a little over dramatic but looking back on some of the guys I went out with or just hooked up with a few times, make me cringe and turn red! I’m glad I dated a Mr Too Good Looking To Be True and a Mr Emotionally Unavailable because I can honestly say that when I finally deleted Mr Emotionally Unavailable and stopped texting him I avoided the rejection that he would have eventually thrown my way, thus saving myself the heartbreak! Ah to be 18 again…

Anyways, a few years ago Kendal kept telling me ‘Lisa no one will love you until you love yourself’ of course all I heard was ‘Lisa no one will love you’. This is now my mantra and I’m sorry that most of this blog has been fluffy and love thy self blah blah but looking at  some of the guys my friends have dated or are considering dating I just thought I owed it to myself and others to write down some experiences to share to hopefully save people from themselves!

[No one will love you until you love yourself ]

Peace out hippo homies

January 23, 2012. Uncategorized. 2 comments.

carborhydrates energy gel, toasted sandwiches and Tom Hardy casting rumours

Okay bare with me, this will be particularly stupid today as I am currently writing hung over.

Yes, shocking I know, as I rarely drink.

That’s not a lie, I don’t drink all of the time but when I do I make myself sick it’s my own fault every single time. I didn’t cry this morning so that’s a plus, I usually cry when I throw up for the 2nd time. Not out of pain or sorrow, i think my body just tries to get rid of as much water as it can including my precious tears.

So here are some things you should know about me, I am the biggest sook. I get the shakes every time I’m hung over and I roll over and say “I am dying”. Sean only just puts up with it because he has developed this amazing ability to tune me and my pathetic moaning out, bless him. So when i say I’m dying, I truly believe I am. Another thing you should know about me is that my favorite Kardashian is Khloe. Not that I hate Kim or Kourt but if I had to choose one to like then she would be it. Except the baby voice it’s unnecessary Klo Klo.

I forget the point I was trying to make, alright the coffee is a no go, I had two sips and I know I will be destined to go to the bathroom again soon to throw it up.

I saw the new batman trailer this week, Tom Hardy, if you’re out there, I love you. This isn’t how I wanted our first encounter to go but I’ve put myself out there, the ball is in your court, so if you want to put your ball in my court by calling me or something just comment this blog, but use an alias so Emily doesn’t steal your attentions away.

God where is Elisha with this toasted sandwich? Everyone appears to be shut except SNC. But what happens when the people at SNC need ham and cheese toasted sandwiches? Nothing! Nothing happens, we continue to roll around this cage of depression created by our own worse habits.

I mean, I don’t HATE happy people, I just wish they wouldn’t take such delight in my current state. It’s in bad taste, wouldn’t you agree? Some might say bad taste is writing a blog when you’re hung over and feeling particularly crude. Others might say bad taste is whats going on in my mouth right now.

I really want to call Callyn or Kendal and tell them stories from last night but they’re at work and I’ll be seeing them in 24 hours. This time tomorrow my sister will be calling me, reminding me that I need to be up so we can go Christmas shopping. She does this almost every year and every year Daniel says that he doesn’t need to come with us but he almost always does. There’s a little bit of Hooper history for you.

Malcolm just handed me an energy squeezegel, I’m too scared to drink it but I’ve already opened it. Can you say; conundrum? Justin sent me a photo of Neo waking up after his gel bath and said “I tried it.. tastes like what I imagine Neo comes out of in the Matrix”. Hauntingly accurate, as per usual.

I just remembered I text Callyn and Kendal last night, each text about a different thing and they both replied “what? I’m sleeping go away” if you’re reading this, I’m sorry for waking you!  But I hate you both for not understanding…sluts…

I go out and I see someone who I don’t like or someone who is connected to someone I don’t like and it’s all over red rover

Well, it wasn’t over after I saw people last night, I went into Connections and pretended I could sing like Christina, thank god it’s so loud in those places because I cannot sing like her, honestly, I cannot sing at all, it breaks my heart to tell you this but it’s the truth. I had a Celine Dion CD once when I was younger and it mysteriously disappeared but now that I think about it I’m sure someone in my family stole it and threw it in the bin so they wouldn’t have to hear me sing with it anymore. Well played mum.

I also can’t dance, the universe was unkind to me on the day it handed out socializing skills. Maybe it thought my ‘wit’ and breathe-taking beauty would suffice.

Hey I’m feeling a little better

Merry Christmas everyone or anyone, especially you Tom Hardy. For other peoples sake, I will include a festive photo to warm your heart, a sweet shot of Tom so people know who I am referring to (that bit in Batman when he tells batman, ‘you have my permission to die’ is SO SEXY I’m surprised he doesn’t burst into flames being so damn hot!) and a classy group shot of me and my drinking pals from last night. You don’t need to tell me how pretty I am by the way but thanks for starting to text me 😉

Much love xxx
 

December 23, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

The Do’s, Don’t’s, Why’s, How’s and What The F***’s of friendship

 1. You must learn to deal with my mood swings, I will never adapt and I am sorry that I’m crazy sometimes but that’s just who I am! I don’t hate you for having big boobs or for being the funniest person alive so you shouldn’t hate me for suddenly becoming grumpy. It’s usually because I’m hungry or tired or both! I don’t have a choice. But mostly if you try to ‘catch me in a good mood’ the AM is not time to do this, wait until I’ve had a coffee, or better yet come at me with some coffee and I will be more inclined to like you.

2. I will always drive you to the airport or pick you up no matter what time it is. In my experience, people flying around usually means that you’ve just been visiting family and I know how sad it is to come home afterwards, so I think it’s best to see a friendly face instead of dealing with a mute taxi driver who doesn’t like you from the moment you sit down even though his chosen profession is to drive people around at all hours of the day or night. Just sayin.  

3. If you want me to cook for you it will almost always be spaghetti or cabonara and if you want to go halfsies in drinks with me it will almost always be vodka. If experience is what you’re lacking then it’s probably best to pour your own drinks. I don’t think you should complain because my spaghetti is really good (as is everyone’s) and you get to half a bottle of vodka for $23 bucks.

4. I do not expect you to pick up the phone at 3.00am but I expect you to call or message as soon as you’re awake to find out why I called you at 3.00am. Reasons are usually:
a) I was drunk and needed a lift home
b) I was drunk and needed someone to tell me where I am in order to call the right taxi service
c) I can’t sleep and you need to tell me why
d) Someone has kidnapped me and I need you to tell my parents and/or Elisha

5. If I’m wearing a pretty dress & heels for a night out then as a bestie it’s your job to tell me if I look okay or not. If I’m wearing jeans and a tshirt for a hard afternoon of sitting on the lounge or at the beach then it’s not really necessary to tell me if I look stupid. As much as I value others opinions on my health, love life, diet, hair, make up and basically every aspect of my life, I will always be the first person to buy the ugly cardis, the plain shoes, the shirts that don’t fit, the fingerless gloves, the bug eyed sunnies, ugly brown beanies, simple repulsive jumpers and the leg warmers. I like looking this way.

6. I won’t always like your choice in dudes. To me, my friends are the sun and the moon, the brightest lights in my life so excuse me for thinking that no man will ever be good enough for you. Now I’m not suggesting that I will hate every guy that comes into a sistas life (or girl if you’re one of my few guy friends) but life experience has taught me that not everyone who sticks their tongue in your mouth is a gem.

7. I may seem cold hearted and a little secluded which can also come off as selfish but rest assured that I would serenade you to prove that there ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough, ain’t no river wide enough to keep me from you. So if you need me, call me, no matter where you are, no matter how far just call my name (on the telephone, I still don’t have superhero hearing) and I’ll be there for you like I’ve been there before, I’ll be there for you mostly because I know you’re there for me too 😉

8. I know that when I snore it’s loud and annoying but please don’t punish me for it, no one is the perfect bed mate and I have a hard enough time trying to be a better person while I’m awake, please don’t chastise me for things I do when I’m asleep.

9. If you’re sad or lonely then just call me! Please please call me. I might not be able to rush to your side but I will do everything within my power to make you feel better. Don’t worry if it’s midnight and you’re sad because of something you think is stupid. If it’s making you feel sad then it’s not stupid.

10. Do not feel obligated to ask me to be your maid of honor at any of your weddings, I know that I am not the most goal orientated person and I will probably be the friend gets super drunk at your reception and tries to join in with the band despite my horrendous “vocals”. Please don’t exclude me for everything though.

11. I will always believe my advice is superior to all others because that’s just how arrogant I am, but I am aware of this so don’t feel obliged to follow through with everything I tell you.

12. We may not speak to each other every day or be inseparable but if you want to hang out, out of the blue I promise I won’t make you feel awkward by being like “umm yeah I guess?” or even texting ‘umm’ to you! Because I know that “UMM” is a sound, not a word so when people text or email “umm do you really think that?” or “umm why?” then I know they are trying to make me feel stupid. But yes after that little tirade my point remains, i’m always up for hanging out unless I’m in the middle of watching a TV series like Buffy or Veronica Mars or the OC, don’t take offense, sometimes I live vicariously through tv show characters because I need the drama that I don’t actually have to resolve.

13. I won’t tell your kids how you were drunk basically the whole time we were 17.

14. If I have any money I will lend it to you

15. I will house sit for you when you go away and look after your dogs. Unless you have a beagle, you go and put that shit in a kennel okay? I know I have Callyn’s support on this issue. Maybe don’t ask me to look after your cat either…I’m sorry to say I just don’t care enough. Not that I would let them starve but I probably wouldn’t empty out their shit basket every few hours.

16. If you go to Paris, bring me back something. I don’t care if you end up working fly in fly out Paris, I WANT PARISIAN THINGS!

17. I don’t mind picking you up while you’re drunk, it doesn’t matter if I’m living in Perth and you’re stuck in Rockingham I will always come to get you, actually I would try to keep you from going to Rockingham in the first place but if you slip through my fingers then yes I will pick you up.

18. If I haven’t spoken to you in a year because of a fight and I still don’t like you when you call me at 2.00 in the morning but you really need to be picked up or need someone to talk to, I’ll get over it and come get you.

19. Don’t second guess my Gilmore Girls knowledge. You will lose.

20. If you don’t want to listen to me sing, then don’t play Paramore when we’re drinking. The result is inevitable

December 7, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

An actual rant. Not for the faint of heart, or people that really like River Phoenix and get offended if he isn’t painted in a good light (even though he was a druggie)

I’m in a pretty shit mood so I thought I would rant about the things that annoy me for a while until I realize how ridiculous I’m being and it will calm me down a bit!

I just got back from the dentist, hence the bad mood, I hate the dentist! No you know what? The Dentist man himself is fine but it’s the hygienist I didn’t like! She was so rude and cold! I know I’m 21 but when there is a waterfall of blood slowly trying to trickle out of my mouth I would like to be coddled a little! Or at least given the right to say “stop! Please! while I swallow this saliva” but since I was unable to speak I just tried to swallow anyways and she would berate me for trying to close my mouth!

Then the waterfall of saliva and blood actually DID make its way out of my mouth, across my check and down my neck so she had the curiosity to pat my cheek dry, never mind the rest of crap that was still flowing down my skin like it was a freaking river.

Speaking of rivers of blood, I hear that a River Phoenix’s last movie Dark Blood might be getting released. Just a quick history trip, this film was started in 1993, so 18 years ago. Fans believe it can be done because they did that Dr Phansussusussu movie with Heath Ledger after he died. I think if the writer/director/producer/whoever else really wanted this story told they would re-write it and cast someone else WHO IS STILL ALIVE! I’m sure they would be better than a dead guy that was probably really high when he filmed all three scenes before he overdosed and met his end on a footpath. Did you know that River was super interested in doing The Basketball Diaries? This is the film that really made everyone sit up and pay more attention to Leonardo Dicaprio! Imagine what kind of world we would be living in now if he lived and took that role away from Leo? He would probably be making crap movies with his weird family that we would be forced to watch because River was awesome in the 90’s and his brother (who’s name I can never remember) played Johnny Cash really well.
This just seems like a pretty ridiculous money making scheme to lure people into the cinema with ‘River’s last moments’. This is just a cheap way for people to have ‘closure’.

Just like how every time a TV show ends people get all up in arms and would demand a movie. Why? Why is it necessary? There is usually a good reason why a show ended, the writers ran out of things for the characters to do or the network canceled it because no one was watching it anymore! Unless it’s a British show, they just seem to start and end whenever they feel like it. There is only one time I saw a movie from a TV show and that was on Friday when I watched the Inbetweeners. Super funny! Necessary? Probably not but it pulled in a decent crowd. An Entourage movie? After 9 seasons? What more could they possibly do? But a lot of people will go see it. Another win for Mark Wahlberg I guess, not that he doesn’t deserve it (he is pretty sexy) but I wish people would put more time and energy into movies that people haven’t seen yet.

Gavin (Snr VP & GM Australasia): Lisa will you let me through?
Lisa (lowly receptionist): No…I won’t. Call Elisha
Gavin: Still grumpy?
Lisa: *glowers*
Gavin: *laughing at my indifference*
Gavin noticed I was grumpy with Elisha this morning, when he asked Elisha why she proceeded to tell him all about our Hunger Games dispute. She prefers Gale to Peeta. I mean…what the hell right? No one in their right mind thinks that Gale is better for Katniss than Peeta. I stalked off after handing over her coffee and decided never to speak to Elisha again. Then I remembered Elisha ISN’T in her right mind so I forgave her. Our fight ended a while ago but Gavin seems to find it amusing. He also finds the whole concept of The Hunger Games barbaric! And he asked Elisha if Sean has a rifle since she has a bow and arrow, I think that he thinks we act out scenes from the books especially since Elisha told Gavin Sean plays with Nerf Guns at home. It’s no secret that Elisha and Sean fight over my affection with nerf guns and harsh words.

I don’t remember how this started, I only wrote the Gavin conversation down because it was happening as I was typing. So it didn’t really create a clever opening into another topic I would like to rant and rave about. Gavin just came out again and told Elisha and I we shouldn’t fight over books. He also asked if Sean twitches when we drive past the bell tower. I don’t know why Gavin assumes Sean is a lunatic, I think this might be Elisha’s doing.

Now I’m annoyed at how pointless this whole blog has been…I could delete it…but I like how I went from bleeding gums to River Phoenix so I’ll keep it in there. Remember my lovely readers, I’m not insane, I am just a very angry person with sore gums right now. If you want to make me feel better, then give me some food and a pillow. I’m at my worst when I’m tired or hungry, at the moment I’m both. But don’t give me YOUR pillow. No matter how many times you wash your pillow case your pillow is always going to smell like you, that’s why I don’t sleep on Sean’s pillow (he is a boy therefore gross). Bring me MY pillow, the orange square one that I stole from my sister before she moved out. She never noticed so I figured she didn’t miss it.

Below you will see:

a) River Phoenix

b) Josh Hutcherson who is playing Peeta

c) A picture of Elisha. As you can see,  no one should take what she says seriously as she is clearly insane

November 29, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

The Hunger Games has tormented me into thinking I need to run more

I’m a bit on edge today, I keep flinching at irregular noises, which are actually normal noises like the elevator dinging, doors opening and people’s voices when they’re speaking to me. I really need to get some sleep tonight, since Sunday night I’ve been up late reading.

Every time my supervisor says something to me I wished I could glare at her and the fire from a thousand suns would reduce her to a pile of dust. I think that is just a general feeling I have but today it’s intensified.

Now that I’m all tired I like to think my brain is overworked and can’t put up that wall of logic that stops the crazy thoughts from coming out. The logical part of my brain is like the shield in Star Wars Episode 1 that the Gunguns start up to keep the bullets out when the evasion starts to get a bit heavy in Naboo but then the droids realize they just need to blow up the main power source and the whole thing vanishes. Such pretty colours. My main power source is definitely a good nights’ sleep and since I have deprived myself of that my mind is devoid of logic at this point.

I read The Hunger Games last week and finished the 3rd book by Monday night, it’s a pretty overwhelming story to be honest and I’m kind of sorry I read it so quickly but it was almost impossible to put it down. I asked Sean’s sister when it would be too lame for me to linger in the teen fiction section for good books to read, “like how old is too old?”. Cassie stared at me like I was an idiot and said “never, this is such a broad genre now that it’s hardly fair to continue to call it ‘teen fiction’.”

Relief. I don’t want to start reading books about how a woman comes to terms with her divorce just yet. Actually, I don’t want to read about that at all.

These ‘teen’ books encourage my imagination to take me out of the real world for a while. Unfortunately my emotional immaturity forces me to stay in that world and cry when the protagonist cries and I cling to every aspect of it until I finish the acknowledgements.
Whenever I read something a bit intense I have to read something with a lighter story line afterwards to remind myself I’m not in a forest plotting how to kill 23 other tributes. As luck would have it the Jaclyn Moriarty book I had ordered two weeks ago came in on Tuesday so that’s what I was finishing last night.
Now I’m wrecked, physically and emotionally. It has been said before (usually by me) that I’m too emotional for my own good. Usually I laugh it off when I think about how I was devestated at the end of Gilmore Girls when I watched the series final for the first time, like, ‘oh silly me for getting so caught up in a TV show’. Books are different though, for me at least. I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like I belong in a mental institution. Words paint more of a world for me than a directors vision can.

I think I should start putting more energy into the physical side of life instead of the emotional side. Then I might be a more stable person. Yes that sounds about right. I should be studying physcology! (please forgive my spelling errors, I am beyond caring!) So I will start running next week. I use to love to run! It required no skill other than to keep going! So deep…

On a quick side note, I’m very proud of my friend Callyn today, I can’t go into too much detail because my ego likes to think too many people read my blog but I am as proud of her like that time I was when we were rollerblading out of the back of her house and she finally let go of the washing basket on wheels, pushed herself freely into the air before her and realized that she does in fact have balance. Kudos to you my stumbling, bumbling friend, I’m glad you are taking steps to let go of the washing basket. I’m bordering on cranky now. I think I will go home tonight and watch a bunch of The Office, such an awesome show but it won’t keep my brain up until 1.00am so that is the appeal!!

I apologise if you’re still reading this waiting for the good part. There is no good part. Maybe I’ll include something cute. Look a puppy! Maybe I’ll include a photo of Callyn too since she has been mentioned. That’s us just before Birds of Tokyo came on stage, we were right at the front and Callyn was clearly impressed with how tanned she is. I was impressed too, hence my expression.

 

 

November 24, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

I should probably buy my ticket to soundwave so I can at least say i’ve seen Mark & Tom in the fleshy flesh flesh!

Remember a few post ago when I was super excited about Blink 182’s album coming out soon? Well, out it came and purchase I did! I told myself I already liked it and then I listened to it and wanted to cry a bit. That probably has something to do with my being a young lady, stereotypically we cry all of the time.
The truth is, I don’t like the album that much and I feel guilty for not supporting the album like a true fan.
How would Callyn feel if she got a new haircut and I was like “ugh! what do you call this?” she would feel horrible!
Then she would punch me in the stomach and feel okay again but Blink 182 cannot punch me in the stomach because they don’t know who I am and Travis won’t get on a plane which leads me to believe they’ll never come back to Australia.
At least Tom is coming to AUS though, for Soundwave. However, I haven’t actually purchased on of AAA album so maybe i’ll be disappointed again. I did download it once but I deleted all of my downloaded music so I would have to physically buy the music as my way of apologising to the music industry for downloading since I was…14? Maybe? I don’t know, whenever it was that Daniel taught me to download.

I remember I downloaded every episode of Sailor Moon and it wasn’t dubbed. Gaaaah it took so long! I didn’t delete it though because I felt bad for wasting my computers time (and my parents internet bill) (actually I didn’t think about that but I think about it now and I feel bad). Then my computer started to get sick so Daniel made me delete things or he would just erase my hard drive when I wasn’t there. Which taught me a valuable lesson, Daniel can be heartless at times.

But I digress… Have I grown out of Blink? Does this mean I’m capable of growing out of other things I supposedly love?

 

Okay so that being said, I started writing this before I had a coke after lunch and now it’s ten to five and I’ve forgotten my point so lets see how much I can ramble for ten minutes.
*Please note said rambling may be off topic but I’ll try to stick to the original I answered my own question just now anyways.

I thought to myself “lisa, you are looking fine today girl, I love that you’re wearing that sleeveless top even though it’s fucking freezing in reception every day but kudos to you for ignoring that! The goose bumps really go with your shoes! Anyways, if Always came on the radio when you got home would you turn that shit up and dance while making your spaghetti?”

To which I said “Thanks brain, I thought this top might be a bit thin in here, and I was right! Lesson learnt. Learned? Leanted it is. Yes, I totally would dance to any blink 182 song that came on the radio at any given time!” My brain says in reply “Well there you go! It doesn’t matter that you don’t like this album very much, you don’t need to feel guilty for hyping yourself up about it. You know what you should feel guilty about? Hyping yourself up about the special features on Star Wars bluray, *laughs* what a fucking disappointment that shit was!”

Hey look at that it’s 4.59!

November 10, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

I read Tomorrow When The War Began, so I think I can handle a surprise invasion

So recently I’ve been a bit distant with my writing, oh yeah sure it’s still all direct thoughts from my mind onto page without processing how weird and wonderful it all is. But I got a little bit freaked out when I saw that when I posted my blogs I would get quite a few views. Which is stupid because I specifically post these things on my facebook FOR PEOPLE TO VIEW THEM! I am not used to people actually reading/listening to the crap I have to say I suppose.

So I thought; should I be more cautious?
Should I write things a bit more graciously?
Should I write my blog about the economic crisis? Gun control? Carbon tax? Immigrants? Real things that are happening in the world other than the normal stuff I force people to read?
I seriously considered it but that serious consideration lasted 15 seconds as I don’t know squat about these well known issues. ‘Why is that?’ You may be asking while scratching your head. I should advise you not to do so as it might lead to baldness or just ordinary redness around your scalp which of course would only be an issue if you were bald already and people could see the redness. People can be so unkind. Like, Elisha always points out when I’m red from scratching my neck or something but I think it’s due to jealously because my skin is so porcelain white that I am sometimes mistaken for a doll so the red comes up easily.

So yes I don’t know a whole lot about anything that’s important. Ignorance is bliss, pure and beautiful bliss. It’s not like I’m stupid, I could pick up a paper or watch the news and educate myself on what’s been happening in the world but so far I’m pretty unaffected so why start concerning myself now?

When fuel prices went up when I was younger I didn’t lose my shit. Why? Because I didn’t have my license or a car so why bother getting angry about it? I have applied this method to everything else. I know there will be people out there that would say something like: “it’s people like you with your backward selfish thinking that is making this country what it is!!”
Unfortunately when they say this to me, I don’t have a fucking clue as to what they’re talking about since I don’t pay attention to how Australia is perceived by anyone else.
I like living here and I like that I don’t get shot if I walk into a fast food chain and I like that the society I was raised in didn’t have a single religion that they had to go by for the rest of their lives.

I know there is very little I am in control of. I do know that I’m in control of my life and the choices I make and that’s pretty empowering. I think it’s important to be a bit selfish sometimes, do things that benefit you, stop catering to everyone’s wants and needs.
I have a friend that is so concerned with being the person that everyone else wants her to be that she gets a little bit lost and forgets who she is sometimes. I never want to be like that, I want to know who I am, what I like, what I hate, what I love and what I want. And if turning off the news to read my book makes me a selfish person then that’s okay with me.
Maybe I’ll change my tune if Australia ever gets invaded and I’m running down the street trying to get out of town, wondering what’s happen and everyone else is like “don’t you watch the news?!?!?”. Then I’ll say “why would I watch the news when there is a double episode of Friends on at the same time?!?”
Then maybe someone will ask why I didn’t buy all of Friends on DVD when it was super cheap at Sanity that one time. Then I’ll push them over for reminding me of one of my biggest regrets.

November 8, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

I prefer to make sounds at people instead of words at the moment

*grunts*
When I read about someone grunting I always assume that person has a beard and red eyes from drinking beam since dawn.
Isn’t that weird?
Actually no I would say it’s pretty accurate that people who drink beam also have beards. I don’t mean to generalize but there it is.

 Oh I just heard a sound from the elevator that reminded me of Chris Martin’s voice in Paradise, such a nice song, the whole album is pretty great. I like that Rhi Rhi song too. I wrote Rhi Rhi just now because the spelling of her full name has escaped me! Maybe not, maybe it was never within me to begin with and I’ve been feigning intelligence all of these years by fooling people by nodding like I understand when they speak to me about Rhiannah? Rhianna?? Chris Martin is Coldplay right? Usually I would know, but not today my friend. No sir-ee

 

If anyone is out there…please buy me a can of coke (you can answer this plead of help by emailing Elisha to get me a can, I’ll act surprised)

 

This blog is all weird and about me again…haha as if I would know how to write about anything else? I really don’t, hence the reason I haven’t written lately. I know a lot of you must have this page in your favorites section, opening it every morning right after checking your facebook, eagerly awaiting the page to load to see what words of wisdom I have written out for you but day after day you are disappointed and I’m sorry. I know a little something about disappointment. Yesterday Elisha asked for chocolate so I bought her AND Sue a freddo and I was feeling quite pleased with myself for being an awesome friend but it turned out I had bought them WHITE CHOCOLATE FREDDOS!!!!
The look of disappointment will haunt my dreams forever.
Well Sue didn’t seem to mind too much, probably because she didn’t’ actually ask for any chocolate.
Elisha however, still hasn’t spoken to me, this makes phone calls particularly difficult since she doesn’t say anything when I pick up.
Speaking of disappointing friends…it seems I don’t have any so I can’t relate. Sorry.

 Since when did I become this stupid by the way?
Was it the meth?
No…it couldn’t be, meth makes you strong, that’s what my dealing has been telling me anyway and you can always trust a dealer because he has nothing to gain by lying and nothing to lose by telling the truth

 Maybe I should become a dealer?

Yes, that’s settled I will sell the crack to kids and make a profit and an honest woman out of myself

Now I’m cracking up HAHA CRACKing up. Get it?

Somebody call SNL and tell them they’ve found a new staff writer!

Tina Fey and I would be great friends and I would be named godmother for sure, I know Tina would trust me with her kids even though I would offer them no religious knowledge whatsoever but that’s not what a godparent does anymore is it? It’s really someone’s way of choosing their favorite person. When Callyn names me godmother of her firstborn then Kendal will find out that I’m the favorite. I didn’t want to tell Kendal about the Callyn thing and hopefully she won’t read this but I can’t lie anymore, especially know that I’ve chosen to become a drug dealer in my spare time and if there is any one group of people out there that stick to their ethics it’s the dealers and people who belong in fight club and I guess the ladies from The View?

 Not that I honestly believe I have spare time what with work, eating, reading and watching TV before sleeping, I’ve basically run out of hours for the day.  Thank thenutellagods I don’t have any hobbies. But I do need a second job, I can’t buy magazines and coffee and expect to go to America in 7 months on my salary. Well actually I can if I stop buying the magazines. So what if I don’t know what’s happening on the set of The Avengers? Who cares if I wear the wrong colours on the beach? What will happen if I don’t read my favorite bands latest cd review? Will the world stop spinning? It’s so hard when the world revolves around me…I feel like a Kardashian, minus the fake boobs, lips, hair and spray tan.

Okay I must stop writing about myself now and finish my work, I’m kind of feeling guilty for paying my blog so much attention but ignoring the innocent pieces of paper on my desk. They just want to be acknowledged and filed away for my supervisor’s scrutiny tomorrow when she gets back to work after being ‘sick’.

 Alright I’m seriously going this time…you hang up! No you hang up first! No you!

November 2, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

a short story about Aophns the faerie

Once there was a village of faeries that lived at the foot of a volcano. It was called Mt Postitnote.
Volcanoes were always surrounded by a type of magic that faeries sought out. It was a different type of magic that one would find deep in a rain forest and different again that one would find at the bottom of a green, flower filled swamp.
However the faeries at Mt Postitnote lived in bliss as there was plenty of magic floating around the volcano that kept them happy and content throughout the years. Naturally they feared the volcano would erupt one day, as most volcanoes do. They knew that their magic would keep them safe, if they had enough warning of course! For the volcano did not answer to the faeries magic but rather its own special kind of fiery enchantments.

One of the faeries who had only been living in the village for a short time had seen a volcano erupt before. Her name was Aophns. She was caught by surprise and could not use her magic quick enough to stop the flow of lava destroying whatever it came to touch.

She walked far away from that volcano and told herself that she would never go near a volcano again.
Alas, the seduction of Mt Postitnote was too much for Aophns to resist and she rested comfortably in the thrilling haven of Mt Postitnote wondering why on earth she could have thought of living a different way.

Most of the faeries from the village had never seen a volcano erupt, they had only heard whisperings of the warning signs. Even then, they did not dwell on such depressing things, why would they? They were happy and happy faeries do not think of unhappy things!

Aophns however, found herself keeping a look out for the warning signs, she did not want to flee again and she wanted to be stronger and save the village from the blazing devastation.

The other faeries warned Aophns that if she kept placing her negative thoughts out into their universe the volcano would erupt!
Aophns ignored these warnings.

After a while the faeries could not tolerate her negatively and banished her from the village.
“No! I know the warnings! I will know when Mt Postitnote will explode!” she screamed as the faeries performed a spell to make her legs walk another way, away from the village.
“No Aophns, the pessimism your mind is expelling is the real reason the volcano will explode.” The chief told her quietly. “The magic is not working on you and it’s time you leave us be.”

So she left and roamed the world looking for volcanoes.
It wasn’t until she stopped looking for reasons for the volcano to explode that she was allowed to live within the magic again.
The End.

October 17, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

A few words you will never hear me say

“I’m not one to complain”

“I love Avril’s new song!”

“Do you want to go to the gym?”

“No popcorn for me thanks”

“Tell me more stories about your cat!”

“Let’s go out to Northbridge on Saturday night”

“I hated that episode of Gilmore Girls”

“Of course you can crash on my couch for as long as you need”

“Sure you can have a sip of my coke”

“Let’s swim out so far that our feet can’t touch the ground!”

“Paris doesn’t seem that magical”

“No Daniel/Kasey you don’t have to buy me anything for Christmas this year”

“Don’t worry guys, I’ve got this round”

“I don’t mind walking there”

“A pet penguin would be the worst!”

 

 

thank you!
xxx

October 7, 2011. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Next Page »